4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
