Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize