why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
