Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
