you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
