she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
love makes seman taste better
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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