So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize