Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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