glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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