I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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