WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
