This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
