Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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