She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
