i would punch a child for taco bell
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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