I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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