Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize