I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Randomize
