soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
