I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
tell your sister to shave her snatch
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
