Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
