my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
