Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
