dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Randomize