the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
