I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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