My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
