drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
