non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
