God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
