Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
