Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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