I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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