My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
