Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize