i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
