The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
