I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
