What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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