if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
its liver damage thursday
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
