did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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