Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
