I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Randomize
