so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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