Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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