News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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