My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
