i need an iv and a liver transplant
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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