take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
