I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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