Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
