I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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