Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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