i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
either way he was missing a nipple.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
