i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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