did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
