um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
