he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
