How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
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