just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
