epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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