Your dad touched me again.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
