Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
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