How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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