For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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